To Hold Ourselves Accountable...

If someone tells us that our behaviour, or attitude, has hurt them, then we must take ownership of that; it is not a value judgement, rather it is a statement of fact.

It is not our business to deny or try to argue those feelings away. Doing so only makes matters worse, the suffering deeper, and it is an abrogation of the responsibility we bear towards others.

To hold ourselves accountable for our actions is a human trait that is far from easy to enact. It is not a superficial gesture; it comes from the soul (however we may define that). It transcends our own emotions, our desires to be 'proved right', and our quest to justify our behaviour.

We may console ourselves with the notion that our motives have been and continue to be beyond reproach. Yet that is not enough.

The very basis of our connections can only be sustained through a certain degree of humility and grace.

Humility reminds us that we are human - that we make mistakes, misinterpret situations, and judge people unfairly. Grace lifts us up and enables us to see beyond the imperfect individuals that we are, to show self-compassion, and to extend that compassion to others.

Humility and grace is not predicated on reciprocity, or the other person responding to us positively, or even acknowledging us at all. It is an act of free will, a choice that we make again and again. It is the basis of forgiveness and true connection.

Desmond Tutu put it more eloquently when he expounded the Zulu concept of 'Ubuntu', that is: 'A person is a person through other persons'. Ubuntu is the 'essence of being human' and can best be understood in terms of connection: "My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together."

Our 'responsibleness', as we refer to it in Logotherapy & Existential Analysis, is partly manifested in how seriously we hold ourselves to account, but also how we hold others accountable too.

We can think about responsibleness in many ways: as is often the case with human nature, it is relatively straightforward in theory, but complex in application.

An example might be that we've spent time with another person, getting to know their history, who they are at, what matters to them most, and the values they deem important to that identity. Part of that process involves the sharing of past experiences, often painful and reflective of unhealed emotions, and often tied to specific behaviours or attitudes.

That we retain an emotional memory of events is key in this respect. We remember how we felt as a result of another person's actions in the past; this memory, and the emotions it invokes, can be 'triggered' by an unrelated person acting in a similar way.

In this example, our responsibleness is multifaceted, but in simple terms it means that we are cognisant of the emotional hinterland of the other person, and we resolve not to act in a manner that causes them to re-experience their trauma.

Of course this is not always easy, and given that we are not omniscient we cannot predict every response accurately!

However, I would argue that the principle of accountability still applies. What that might look like in practice is a matter for each individual, but it may mean undertaking meaningful conversations aimed at clarifying situations. We may conceptualise this in Logotherapeutic terms as embracing and enacting the 'Triumphant Triad' of healing, meaning and forgiveness

Whatever the case, our connectedness cannot be taken for granted. It takes much work, ongoing self-reflection, and a commitment to moving beyond our comfort zones.

Living at peace with ourselves, and others, is a recognition that the expression of our humanity is not a solitary pursuit.

Accountability is an affirmation of that reality.