Letters To My Sons: You Are Always Good Enough

I have been writing 'letters to my sons' for quite some time now. Written in pen and ink they address 'life issues' that are relevant to their journey, and indeed to other young men who may struggle at times to engage with their emotions.

The actual letters are much more personal than the versions I share on this blog, but I hope you find them useful just the same.

'Dear Sons,

As your lives evolve, you will find yourself asking the most painful of questions: ‘why am I not good enough’? This might relate to work, relationships, education, or social situations.

In times of perceived failure, we are prone to introspection and rumination. Such moments can be profoundly lonely and challenge our sense of self. That reality is not easy to sit with; rejection crushes our heart and permeates or soul.

The welter of emotions that stem from ‘not being chosen’ can linger long past the actual event. Such feelings of sadness, heartache, and longing for a different outcome prompt introspection and, more often than not, self-criticism.

Whilst you may not ask others, ‘what is wrong with me’, in the quieter moments or when you are alone, you will feel that question; the tears will flow from the realisation that fractured or unfulfilled connections hurt more than you can ever articulate.

There are a few things I would say in response.

The first is simply to allow yourself to feel the disappointment without judgement. To feel so deeply is an enormous privilege and a reflection of your ability to care about the world and your place in it. It is because of that depth that you are empathic and loving.

Think of it this way: you are loved without precondition, no matter how unhappy or disappointed you feel. The love that your mum and I have for you has no constraints or prerequisites – It never stops seeking you out and it will always find you. It chooses you every second of your existence. It cannot be any other way.

Secondly, your value is not determined by your circumstances – like love it is unconditional. You will have many moments of success, and many moments of failure. Rudyard Kipling expresses it beautifully in his poem ‘If’, where he names ‘triumph’ and ‘disaster’ as imposters – neither defines your value or ability.

You will not remember of course, but ‘If’ was one of the poems read to you as babies, so it is fitting that I finish this letter to you with those very words. You are always good enough.

With love always, Dad x

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‘If you can keep your head when all about you   

    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,   

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

    But make allowance for their doubting too;   

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

    Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

    And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;   

    If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;   

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

    And treat those two impostors just the same;   

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

    And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

    And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

    To serve your turn long after they are gone,   

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,   

    Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

    If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

    With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,   

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,   

    And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!’