Settling For Too Little?

Dysfunction is a strange creature, especially when it relates to relationships. Depending on the degree, context, past experiences, and expectations, we might still find it comfortable because it is so familiar.

Comfort and familiarity are the two imposters that create the narrative that a new way of being, relating, and connecting with significant others is not possible. They may in fact be the antithesis of a fulfilling and meaningful relationship.

We may tell ourselves that we are too jaded by life's disappointments to expect anything new or better to emerge. That itself can be a self-fulfilling prophecy or an expression of self-sabotage. In reality, a person can awaken to new possibilities at any point in life, right up until their very last breath.

The default position is the place we return to when we feel out of our depth, and life is unpredictable; to create that misplaced sense of safety we return to the predictable, even if it means a dullness and a deep sense of unfulfillment and sadness.

Someone once described such a scenario as 'a coping mechanism dressed up as a relationship'; I think that is a very intuitive and apt descriptor of the trap it is easy to fall into.

Perhaps your partner has many wonderful qualities, but lacks the insight to understand you fully and without explanation? Perhaps the connection is real, but not to the depth that enervates your soul and leaves you feeling seen and heard? Perhaps they do not pick up on the sadness in your eyes, or the changes in your body language that signal an unarticulated malaise?

The Philosopher Martin Buber, wrote so very deeply and beautifully about human connections; he understood that a meaningful life has at its core a dynamic between two people that is irreplaceable and unrepeatable.

In Buber's book, 'I and Thou', he expresses love as a living, active, evolving and deep relationship between two people. Love then, is not an object, it is an experience, a place of being. Likewise, each partner is not an object to be loved, but an experience to encounter, to cherish and to be grateful for every moment of every day.

If you recognise that as a reality in your life, you are rich beyond measure.

If you do not, then it might be time to question the status quo.

A good place to start is by working with a Psychotherapist who specialises in these issues. That is where Logotherapy & Existential Analysis can be very helpful. I work with a wide range of individuals experiencing a lack of meaning in their relationships. If you feel I could help you, please do reach out to me via e-mail at: info@scottpeddie.org to arrange an initial consultation.