Toxic Masculinity & The 'Manosphere'

Over the last year or so, I have been collating and publishing letters to my sons that explore important aspects of life. These aspects particularly relate to emotions, experiences, and the ability to self-reflect and grow.

These letters are deeply personal, yet they have a universal application. Navigating life as a young man has never been easy. However, contemporary culture and expectations seem to make it particularly challenging.

Insights from the Manosphere

The recently released Netflix documentary, Louis Theroux: Inside the Manosphere, provides a chilling insight into the views and activities of online content creators and influencers advocating for 'hyper-masculinity' and controversial gender roles.

Dear Sons

The most important aspect of your lives is how you give and receive love. You were born in and through love. You were loved even before you were born, and that love remains with you, without reservation, throughout your lives.

You give love through your presence and your ability to face your imperfections courageously. It's about how you forgive, how you reach out to those in pain, and your ability to see all others as your equals.

The so-called 'Manosphere' is the antithesis of love and a perversion of masculinity. It negates meaningful connections, replacing them with empty and unsustainable transactions. Instead of viewing honesty as authenticity—the bedrock of all relationships—it fosters narcissism and shallowness as a way of being in the world.

True masculinity, as you know, is not afraid of vulnerability. It is always open to challenging behaviours and attitudes that hurt others. True masculinity is about us men being accountable for our actions. Crucially, it involves being able to apologise and make amends when it is right to do so.

The Dangers of Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity is myopic and deeply dysfunctional. Courage does not come from constructing a facade. Instead, it arises from the ability to genuinely self-reflect and grow from our experiences.

Toxic masculinity, as I have highlighted, knows nothing of love. Imagine what it must feel like to subscribe to a worldview of avoidance and myth. Picture living in a world where your needs and wants are always paramount. Consider the implications of not understanding that sacrificial love is a powerful and affirming way of being human. There are valid circumstances that lead us to think of others before ourselves.

The lack of love underpins the nihilism of the 'manosphere' and makes for a miserable and selfish life.

What Is Love?

But what is love? What is it that toxic masculinity utterly fails to comprehend?

I frequently talk about the insights of social psychologist Dr Erich Fromm in this respect. He very helpfully summarised the four elements of love that are universal, not gender-specific, and certainly not outside the purview of the masculine. Here they are:

1. Care: Nurturing and supporting one another.

2. Responsibility: Commitment and owning mistakes and misunderstandings.

3. Respect: Acknowledging and affirming unique characteristics and views.

4. Knowledge: Fostering a mutual understanding and awareness that is ongoing.

   
   

In all four of these elements, the influencers in the manosphere fall short by a considerable distance. They know nothing of love.

The Challenge of Love

Living a life of love is anything but easy. It involves opening ourselves up to emotional pain, suffering, loss, and heartache. It demands perseverance, sacrifice, and an acceptance of our fallibility.

Yet, it also opens us up to the most wonderful connections, a strong sense of self, and an ability to feel alive and hopeful.

By denying their vulnerability and minimising their exposure to the world, they deny the opportunity to experience life in all its fullness.

They deny themselves and others the beauty of love.

I cannot think of a sadder epithet for the manosphere than that.

With love always,

Dad