We Hurt the People We Love Most. Why?

We often find ourselves hurting the people we care about the most, even when it is far from our intention. This paradox can be confusing and counterintuitive. Why do we sometimes cause pain to those closest to us?

As the French writer Antoine de Saint Exupéry famously opined:

'Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence means accepting the risk of absence.'

He is right in his assessment, at least in my opinion, but how do we best understand this phenomenon?

The Closeness Factor

One reason we hurt loved ones is because of the closeness and connectedness we share. When we feel safe and secure with someone, we are, in a sense, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with them. This vulnerability can lead to unfiltered emotions and reactions.

Kim Holderness put it this way: 'we hurt the ones we love the most because they already accept us. We know they love us and many times we are confident in their forgiveness. We allow ourselves to be ourselves, more, with the people we love.'

We also hold the people we love to higher standards than others. We expect them to understand us deeply, support us unconditionally, and meet our emotional needs in a consistent and recognisable way.

When we perceive that these expectations are not being met in a meaningful way, frustration can be expressed though hurtful words or actions.

Fear of Losing Connection

Ironically, fear of losing someone can cause us to act in ways that actively push them away. Stemming from a deep-seated fear of abandonment and rejection, these behaviours can hurt the other person and create distance. This element of self-sabotage, which is often unconscious, can result in that fear being realised, exemplified by the relational damage that ensues.

Communication Breakdowns

Misunderstandings and poor communication are common reasons for hurting loved ones. When feelings and needs are not expressed clearly, assumptions fill the void, leading to misinterpretation and conflict.

For example, if one partner feels neglected but does not express it, the other might not realise that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Over time, this silence can cause a deepening sense of hurt and profound frustration.

Emotional 'Baggage' and Past Experiences

Our past experiences shape how we interact with others. Unresolved trauma or negative patterns from childhood can significantly influence how we treat loved ones. Dysfunctional patterns of behaviour, when left unchallenged, can be destructive.

For example, someone who grew up in a highly critical home environment might unintentionally criticize their partner harshly, not realising the impact of their words. In this case, such behaviour has been 'normalised'.

A Final Thought

In a forthcoming post I will explore how Logotherapy & Existential Analysis can assist us in understand the dynamics at play when we hurt those we love most, and crucially, what we can do to positively reorientate our attitude and behaviour.

In the meantime, I will leave you with a mantra, or prayer, that you may find useful as a starting point in that journey:

May I be mindful of those times when I have deeply hurt another person, where in the midst of my own pain, I have failed to see beyond my own narrow perspective.

May I resolve to learn the lesson that there is no hierarchy of pain and suffering, that each of us is worthy of absolute respect and unconditional love.

May I carry in my heart an understanding of my responsibility for the harm I have done, even when it was unintentional.

May I learn from my experiences, and vow to be more compassionate, even, and perhaps especially, when I am in the midst of my own travails.

May I cultivate gentleness all the days of my life, in as much as I can, seeking forgiveness when I fall short.

May I always strive to turn words into meaningful action.