When We Get It Wrong: What To Do?

Making mistakes is part of being human. However, that is not an excuse for those times when we get it wrong, and in doing so, we hurt other people. How we respond to that reality is important, and that is where the concept of 'secular penance' is applicable.

Secular penance refers to the voluntary acts of self-reflection, acknowledgment of wrongdoings, and efforts to make things right without necessarily involving religious practices.

It is a personal commitment to recognise mistakes, take responsibility, and seek improvement. Unlike traditional penance, which might involve specific rituals or confessions, secular penance focuses on internal growth and external actions that promote healing and reconciliation.

This form of penance is multifaceted and includes, but is not restricted to: apologising sincerely, correcting harmful behaviours, or dedicating time to help others affected by our actions. It need not be a 'public act', and in fact it may be more authentic if it is done privately in line with our conscience and values.

Secular penance encourages honesty with ourselves and others, fostering accountability and empathy. As such, it can be seen as a way of being in the world, rather than a one off response to a specific situation or event.

(Note: I shall use the terms 'penance' and 'penitence' interchangeably in this article. Strictly speaking, penance refers to the outward actions, acts of contrition, or assigned tasks performed to make amends for wrongdoing. Penitence is the internal state of remorse, sorrow or regret for one's actions).

“In the end there is nothing to be done but to state clearly what has been done, without shame or regret, and say: Here I am, and this is what I am. Now deal with me as you see fit. That is your right. Mine is to stand by the act, and pay the price.” Ellis Peters, Brother Cadfael's Penance.

How Can We Be Penitent?

Being penitent in a secular sense is a recognition of our responsibility to ourselves and others. It involves several practical steps that anyone can apply:

Self-Reflection

Taking time to honestly evaluate our actions and their impact. Journaling or quiet contemplation can help identify areas where we may have caused harm or fallen short of our values.

The challenge is not to overthink the situation; dereflection is a useful technique in Logotherapy that involves diverting attention away from excessive self-observation (hyperreflection) or over-trying (hyperintention) toward a more balanced and holistic purview.

Acknowledgment

Admitting our mistakes fully, firstly to ourselves and if appropriate, to those affected. This step requires courage and humility; it can be deeply uncomfortable, but is essential for genuine growth and accountability.

Making Amends

Whenever possible, we should take concrete actions to repair the damage. This might mean apologising, and offering support, but most importantly, changing those behaviours that led to the problem in the first place.

Commitment to Change

Penance is not just about regret; it is fundamentally about improving in a meaningful and sustainable manner. Patterns of dysfunction can become ingrained if behavioural and attitudinal change is not enacted, therefore it is essential that we remain mindful.

What Comes Next?

The journey of penitence is a very personal one, although it often goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness; there is a recognition that one must, at some point, be reconciled with oneself in order to move forward.

However, forgiveness is not contingent on the actions of the person (or persons) we have wronged; that may or may not be part of the equation. The greater task is one of self-forgiveness which is result of acknowledgement, accountability, reparation, and changed attitudes/behaviours.

A sense of 'closure' can only be attained at the end of that process.

Seeking Help

The journey that leads to a recognition that penitence is necessary can be a very lonely and burdensome one. Accessing support, by confiding in a trusted friend, or seeing a therapist, can be beneficial; a different perspective can enhance our decision making and a non-judgemental listening ear can steady our emotions.

And Finally...

By embracing secular penance, we recognise that we are flawed, but we do not allow that to define us or have the last word in our story. Instead we affirm that guilt, shame, and regret can be transformed into positive action and a meaningful attitudinal stance.

It goes without saying that carrying unresolved emotions can precipitate significant stress and anxiety, but addressing mistakes honestly can bring relief and clarity; over time, practicing penance builds resilience, integrity, and fosters a greater understanding of our identity and sense of self.