Letters To My Sons: Part 3

I read, many years ago, Rev. William Sloan Coffin's book 'Letters to a Young Doubter' and it stuck with me, much in the way that Rilke's 'Letters to a Young Poet' (see previous posts) has.

Coffin crafted his letters in response to a fictional man's questions about life and faith and how we find meaning in our existence. I find that approach particularly engaging.

As I have mentioned before, letter wring can be a very useful therapeutic tool. I use it with clients in a range of different formats, including: letters to a younger/older self, letters of love/regret/apology/gratitude (which can be sent, kept, or destroyed). Depending on the client's style and personality, I encourage them to write either in a structured/semi-structured way, or written as a 'stream of consciousness'. The only 'rule' I insist upon is that they are hand-written.

The 'Letters to my Sons' are a mix of stream of consciousness and semi-structured thoughts and are transcribed for this series of blog posts. These are my latest offerings:

LETTER 6

My Dear Sons,

As you move through the various phases of your life, you will be judged. This is inevitable and you have no control over that. What you do have control over however is how you respond: allow yourself to feel the injustice and pain when you are unfairly judged. But do not dwell there.

What others may think of you is not objective truth, nor is it your business to try and change it! Judgement does not define you

In response, resolve, in-as-much as you can, to refrain from judging others. Remember that no matter how hurt you may be, no-one sets out to lead a shattered life; it is not a choice but a reality borne of circumstance that you may know nothing about. Judgement stems from weakness, not strength, and from fear, not contentment. It is the antithesis of love.

To tread gently in the lives of others is a noble aim. In practice you will undoubtedly get it wrong from time-to-time, regardless of the purity of your motives. Try not to make assumptions about others in the face of  your anger and disappointment with them; they are almost always wrong, and they can cut deep.

Leon Brown expressed that sentiment eloquently when he wrote, ‘Do not judge others by your own standards, for everyone is making their way home, in the way they know best’.

Also, you might think of it this way: when we judge, we invariably redirect our focus from empathy and understanding towards a negative and destructive pattern of thoughts and emotions. In other words, we suffer just as much, if not more, than the person we judge. 

Finally, I can speak from my own experience of making many mistakes in this respect. You will make many mistakes too, but be aware that self-judgement is a path to perdition. Reflect deeply and often on your actions, and learn all that you can from them; be aware of your imperfections, but do not judge yourself harshly. 

Think always of Rumi’s admonition to ‘be a witness not a judge’.

In all of your struggles, know that you are loved more than you can ever imagine,

Dad x

LETTER 7

My Dear Sons,

For most of us, forgiveness is a challenge. Some wrestle with it whilst others see it as a form of weakness or acquiescence in another person’s erroneous behaviour. 

In Logotherapy, forgiveness is part of the ‘triumphant triad’ alongside healing and meaning, and is a response to the ‘tragic triad’, that is the inevitability of suffering, guilt, and death. We can think all of that through, and what it means practically, in much more detail at a later date. Forgiveness is complicated enough!

When we suffer as a result of another person’s attitude or behaviour towards us, it may invoke a range of emotions including shame, guilt, disappointment, and frustration. The question then, is not what we feel - that is an innate response reflecting our internal reality - a statement of fact, if you like.

What matters most is how we respond to our hurt. Viktor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, 'I do not forget any good deed done to me and I do not carry a grudge for a bad one.' Implicit in that maxim is the spirit of forgiveness: we cannot carry a grudge if we forgive and we cannot forgive if we carry a grudge.

Forgiveness then, is an active choice that we consciously make. But we must be ready to make it, and that can take time and much soul searching. It is your decision and yours alone; you can only forgive when you feel it is the right time for you to do so.

Perhaps it helps to think of forgiveness in this way: it is, at a fundamental level, the transformation of pain into hope. It is a decision borne of courage and purpose that comes from the heart and is informed by the mind.  

Forgiveness is a gift to the other person, but also to yourself; it is liberating in every respect. It is a manifestation of love in its broadest sense, and to know that you are forgiven is a beautiful feeling.

With love always,

Dad x