Letters To My Sons: Part 4

LETTER 8

My Dear Sons,

With your talent and personal attributes you will without doubt make an impact on the world around you, but more importantly, you will be an incredible blessing to those you love and those who love you unconditionally. That is incontrovertible, and to even be a small part of that reality is the privilege of a lifetime.

As you already know, no matter how successful your life may be, you will, at some point, come up against limitations. They might be caused by illness, or you might be faced with challenges - intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual, and psychological, that prove too difficult to overcome.

It is natural in those circumstances to be upset and feel bereft. But think of it this way: every single person you meet, without exception, lives with limitations. Some may be obvious whilst others remain hidden, until that is, they are tested by circumstance and revealed through adversity. That marks the point where compassion towards the other becomes the only meaningful and right response.

When we reflect on our own limitations, compassion is vital too. Beyond that, the question we are prompted to ask is, ‘how do I grow beyond those limitations?’. More importantly, ‘where are my strengths? What can I do? What can I do well?’ And crucially, ‘what brings me meaning and purpose’?

To transition from a limitations focused purview to a reality based one takes time and intention. To explore your latent potential and innate ability, and to come to a practical response, is the task in hand.

Paradoxically, it is when we face our most difficult moments, when our mood is shattered, our motivation crushed, when we feel defeated and tired - that provides the necessary catalyst for positive change.

When we feel broken, it gives us the opportunity to rebuild in a different way. When our emotional defences are stripped bare and we face ourselves in all our vulnerability, that is when we uncover the defiant power of the human spirit that resides within us.

With that spirit vitalised, it facilitates a change in the stance we take towards our perceived limitations. In essence, we allow them to function as pointers to a different way of being, that is towards what we can do and away from what we cannot.   

It was Carl Sagan who said of scientific discovery, ‘somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known’. In a similar way, each day, and in each new challenge, there is something incredible for us to discover about ourselves, but also beyond ourselves.

The alpha and omega of that quest is the realisation that you are almost always more resourceful and resilient than you think. It is in transcending ourselves, as I have mentioned before, that we become what we are capable of becoming.

I have faith in you, and whatever you face in life, remember that your value is ineradicable.

With love always,

Dad x

LETTER 9

My Dear Sons,

People often talk about the legacy they leave behind. I remember struggling with that question when I was in Logotherapy & Existential Analysis training. I thought of it as a non-issue, largely because I did not understand the rationale behind it. Perhaps I fought against it because I believed that I had nothing of any significance to leave behind? A rhetorical question if ever there was one!

Yet when, as a Minister, I put together funeral services to celebrate and commemorate the lives of those, young and old, who had passed on, I saw with blinding clarity what their legacy was, that their lives were defined by love, however imperfectly it was expressed over the course of their lifetimes. 

The love that was foundational in friendships, familial bonds, and partnerships/marriages, was indelibly stamped on the hearts of those they left behind. But that was not all. I was always moved by how people reached beyond themselves and helped others, often strangers, in a narrative of love that often went unrecognised. 

Their legacy.was more often than not deeper and more intricate than they themselves would ever have been cognisant of. But it was there nonetheless, and it was part of my calling, as I saw it, to bring those elements and stories to life, to be thankful for those displays of love that echoed through the hearts of those left behind.

So, everyone makes a difference, even when they think they do not. To do the best you can, in whatever way you can, is all you can realistically do. To manifest love for others, when that love comes easily, but more importantly when it does not - that is your legacy. 

Let others interpret that as they will. You, and you alone, will know the purity of that love and there is immense comfort in that. Hold that thought in your mind when you are struggling.

Also, given that life is transient, and unpredictable, make peace with the world in a way that is meaningful to you. Apologise when you must, forgive when you can, and always be mindful of the hurt you cause others. 

Take to heart the haunting words of Haruki Murakami in his novel Norwegian Wood, ‘what a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously.’ That is the dichotomy that we all face: we hurt those we love the most. It cannot be any other way; without love as the precursor, hurt could not exist, or if it did, it would be so watered down as to be practically meaningless.

And finally, remember the applicability of the Swedish Proverb to you personally and those who love you: ‘ Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it/Älska mig när jag minst förtjänar det, för det är då jag verkligen behöver det. 

Know that you could not be more loved; that is my legacy to you. 

Dad x