Narcissistic Women: What To Look Out For.

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism is sometimes wrongly perceived as a problem in men. Although it is true that research indicates that men are, on average, more likely to be narcissistic than women, the picture is complex.

Studies show that men have a tendency to exhibit higher levels of grandiose narcissism (marked by entitlement, authority, and exhibitionism), whilst both men and women manifest comparable levels of vulnerable narcissism (characterised by insecurity and a need for admiration).

"A grandiose narcissist acts like they are better than everyone else and are more of the ‘know it all.’ They also tend to lack empathy for others. You might spot this person in an argument where they are so firm on their point of view that they refuse to listen to anyone else. Their arguments often end with no resolution and you can sense their desire to prove the other side wrong no matter what.

On the other hand, the vulnerable narcissist is going to try to pull energy and empathy from you to feed their emotional neediness. For example, you have plans with this person and you have to change them last minute… they are going to take it personally and make it all about what you did to them". Claire Karakey, LPC

When it comes to narcissistic women, certain patterns and characteristics may present themselves, although they are not exclusive to this specific group.

But before we explore this fascinating topic, I want to make a number of general observations regarding how narcissism is viewed from the perspective of the primary form of Psychotherapy I practice - Logotherapy and Existential Analysis.

Logotherapy, founded by Viktor Frankl, sees narcissism not primarily as a personality defect, or a series of traits, but as a flawed attempt to resolve a deeper existential crisis - a proto-narcissistic solution to a life lacking a coherent and consistent sense of meaning.

Furthermore, narcissism is a reflection of a frustrated will to meaning, where the individual turns inwards, treating themselves as the primary arbiter of meaning, values, wants and desires. Such a stance, by its very nature, is dismissive of the viewpoints and experiences of others and impinges on the narcissistic individual's ability to mature emotionally.

There are a number of more nuanced interpretations that are worth mentioning by way of introduction. These can be summarised as follows:

The "Narcissistic Defence" to Meaninglessness:

When individuals lack meaning and purpose, this is expressed as an existential vacuum, a void that can be filled in a myriad of different ways. For a narcissistic individual, they attempt to fill this void, and resolve the resultant existential anxiety, by being the centre of attention.

Part of this process involves curating an image that attempts to project perfection, desirability, and brilliance, when in reality there exists a suppressed sense of worthlessness that is too painful be acknowledged.

The Existential Vacuum and Self-Focus:

Narcissism, in part, manifests as an inability to look outward, or to self-transcend, and instead promulgates an obsessive focus on the self.

One of the core tenets of Logotherapy is that happiness, success, and purpose, are by-products of focusing on someone or something outside oneself; in other words they cannot be pursued as an end in themselves.

This is in contrast to the narcissistic individual's purview that each and every situation can only be filtered through the lens of 'how does this effect me'?

Frustrated Needs and Values:

Narcissism is often interpreted as a thirst for admiration and recognition that masks a profound frustration of inner needs and conflicting values, characterised by a lack of true self-love and a distorted and cynical view of the world.

In this respect, narcissistic individuals are unable to feel true empathy and interpret the motives of others though their own myopic view of the world. For example, they may misattribute feelings of jealousy and dishonesty on to others, when in reality, this is a projection of their inner world.

There is so much more to say about narcissism, its genesis, and how it impacts on individual behaviour and attitudes.

But for now, it is time to return to the main topic of this post, namely how does narcissism manifest itself in women?

The inflated sense of importance is and other aforementioned attributes are not gender-specific, although women, like men, express them in ways shaped by social and cultural expectations.

So, at the the risk of being accused of 'click baiting', I shall tackle this question from an inclusive perspective. I should perhaps have rephrased the title, but the following applies to both men and women, and does not distinguish between the 'vulnerable' and 'grandiose' forms of narcissism.

In my defence, to fully explore the question of gender-specific narcissism would require a more analytical piece of writing than this blog affords, although I may revisit it as a series of articles in the future, depending on interest.

Some Characteristics to Consider

It is vitally important to state that the following characteristics are NOT in any way intended to be used for diagnostic purposes. They are merely pointers for discussion and reflection and are neither exhaustive or definitive.

Remember, narcissism exists on a spectrum. Most of us have narcissistic traits, and we may therefore recognise some of these characteristics in ourselves. They may also have divergent origins and can be explained in ways unrelated to narcissism.

With those caveats at the forefront of our minds, let us turn our attention to exploring some common characteristics.

Excessive Need for Attention and Admiration:

A narcissistic person often seeks constant validation. They may dominate conversations, steer attention toward themselves, and expect praise for their achievements or appearance. This need goes beyond normal expressions of confidence and can feel exhausting to those around such an individual.

“Narcissists often exhibit distinctive patterns of behavior that revolve around an excessive focus on themselves and a lack of empathy for others. They tend to display a grandiose sense of self-importance, believing they are uniquely special and deserving of admiration. They frequently seek constant attention and validation from others, often through self-promotion and boasting about their achievements, real or imagined. Narcissists can be manipulative, using charm to gain trust and exploit others for their own gain. They may have difficulty recognizing or acknowledging the emotions and needs of those around them, often dismissing or invalidating others’ feelings.” Natalie Feinblatt, Psy.D.

Drama is frequently created and employed as a means of focussing attention on the narcissistic person and creating a narrative of self-importance. Drawing others into 'manufactured' or exaggerated conflict situations is not uncommon and is a manifestation of a specific form of existential vacuum that characterises narcissistic personalities.

Lack of Empathy:

One of the most defining characteristics is difficulty understanding or caring about others' feelings. A narcissistic person may dismiss, minimise, or ridicule the emotions of friends, family, or partners, focusing instead on their own needs.

However, narcissistic individuals are often adept at mimicking empathy. They understand what it is, and the situations in which it is advantageous for them, but they do not feel it in a meaningful way. Indeed, some may not feel it at all.

Manipulative Behaviour:

Manipulation is common in narcissistic personalities. A narcissistic person may use guilt, charm, or passive-aggressive tactics to control situations or people. This behaviour functions as a means of bolstering their sense of superiority, importance, and control.

Manipulative behaviour is not only directed towards a specific individual, it almost always draws in other people who are used as 'flying monkeys'. I have written an entire blog post on this phenomenon, but it essentially refers to those who act on behalf of a narcissist to manipulate, harass, or spread rumours about a victim.

They are employed to avoid accountability and maintain control. These 'enablers', whether friends, family, or work colleagues, spread a distorted narrative that is harmful to the victim.

'Mobbing' and 'triangulation' are allied manipulative behaviours where the target individual is overwhelmed and isolated.

Other manipulative practices include 'blame reversal' and 'mirroring'. The former is self-explanatory, and is also explored in a separate blog post.

The latter occurs where the narcissist imitates their target's personality, interests, values, and emotions to create an intense, but ultimately false sense of connection.

What at the outset appears to be a perfect match is illusory.; that pseudo-connection will eventually be used to exploit vulnerabilities, gain control, and devalue the target.

Grandiose Sense of Self:

Narcissists have an exaggerated view of their talents, beauty, influence and importance. This grandiosity can lead to unrealistic expectations and anger when others do not affirm that worldview or have seen behind the facade.

In existential analysis we understand the exaggerated sense of self as a form of hyper-reflection, where the individual lacks critical or external reference points. The absence of these elements preclude a balanced introspective appraisal of the narcissistic persons' relatability to others.

Moreover, this inflated sense of self is fed, in a dysfunctional way, by seeking out 'high status' individuals and situations that affirm their sense of self-importance. In essence, they appropriate that status and significance vicariously, rather than earning it through their own endeavours.

Envy and Competitiveness:

Behind the confident exterior, envy often lurks. A narcissist may feel threatened by others' perceived success or happiness and respond with jealousy or attempts to undermine and derail them.

Reputational damage, gaslighting and gossip are a manifestation of the fragility of the narcissistic sense of self and the desire to curate an image of superiority and dominance. In actuality it is the avarice of entitlement that drives such competitive behaviour.

Often the person the narcissist is 'competing' with is not a true peer, or does not view them in any substantive way as a competitor. This is another example of the narcissist misinterpreting their importance and how others view them.

Difficulty Maintaining Healthy Relationships:

Because of their self-centeredness and absence of true empathy, narcissists often struggle with long-term relationships. They may be charming at first but become controlling, dismissive, or emotionally unavailable over time.

As the manipulative behaviours escalate, partners or friends might feel confused, exhausted, depressed or unappreciated, leading to deliterious effects on their health.

Because narcissistic individuals are superficial, they are unable to form and nurture deep connections characterised by mutual understanding, honesty and reciprocal emotional investment. As a result, a sense of emptiness frequently accompanies their relationships and they externalise the blame and project it on to others.

Another interesting dynamic appears when a narcissistic person encounters someone who embodies authenticity, that is their values and world view are consistent and congruent. In other words, 'they are who they say they are'. For a narcissist who views identity and values as maleable, authenticity, where there is no ulterior motive to a persons behaviour, is a challenge to comprehend.

Sensitivity to Criticism:

Despite projecting confidence, narcissistic individuals are often highly sensitive to criticism and respond instinctively with anger, denial, or blame-shifting.

What is meant as a simple suggestion may provoke an intense defensive response or an attempt to belittle and discredit the critic. In this environment, there is no room for constructive criticism or even a meaningful conversation aimed at resolving differences.

Whilst the narcissist may claim to be a highly sensitive person, that sensitivity is not reciprocated and does not manifest itself beyond their own feelings. Thus, they will be highly critical of others, but cannot tolerate any criticism, real or perceived, directed towards themselves.

Self-awareness is a vital precursor to emotional development and growth - it involves recognising and evaluating both internal and external perspectives. Where this process is skewed, as it is in narcissism, the focus is on the self and growth atrophies.

“Despite their outward appearances, narcissists are extremely vulnerable. They can be somehow fragile as they experience profound alienation, emptiness, and a lack of meaning. Due to their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and must constantly control their environment, the people around them, and their emotions. Displays of vulnerable emotions, such as fear, shame, or sadness, are unacceptable indicators of weakness in both them and others. When they are most insecure, they are more malicious, and the consequences of their actions become unimportant.” Michelle English, LCSW.

How These Behaviours Affect Others

Recognising these characteristics is not about labeling or judging but about awareness.

Interacting with a narcissistic individual can be both challenging and damaging. Their drive to bypass others’ needs can precipitate feelings of frustration and confusion, ultimately leading to emotional burnout characterised by anxiety, depression, isolation, and hopelessness.

The impact of narcissistic behaviour on the wellbeing of others caught in the cycle of psychological dysfunction should not be underestimated and it must always be taken seriously.

“In relationships, narcissists often begin by idealizing their partner. This is why many people wonder why they didn’t see the warning signs. They tend to attract individuals that are caretakers and have a deep sense of empathy for others. Once the ‘fantasy’ phase subsides, narcissists begin to devalue their partners. These manipulative and emotionally abusive behaviors often result in the partner feeling that they are at fault or are the ‘crazy one.

Eventually, narcissists may move on or discard their partner while keeping them hanging on by a thread. Some partners in a relationship with a narcissist find it difficult to move on because they long for the romanticized ‘adoration phase.” Adria Hagg, LCSW

In this respect, some practical tips for minimising harm include setting clear boundaries (to protect your emotional space), avoid engaging in 'power struggles', and limiting the sharing of personal information (which could be used manipulatively).

“I tell adults I work with never to waste their time arguing with a narcissist. You cannot win with a narcissist. Their perspective is always theirs.” Deedee Cummings, M.Ed., LPCC, JD

Where there are clear signs of narcissistic abuse, Psychotherapy can be very helpful in assisting those affected recapture their confidence, process trauma, regain their sense of agency, and find meaning in their experience.

Each person is different in how they react to narcissistic abuse, and exposure to it need not be chronic (long-lasting) to precipitate a significant impact on well-being. It is the depth and breadth of the abuse that matters, not the timeline of exposure. Furthermore, it may take time for those who have been on the receiving end of such behaviour to recognise it for what it is.

“When it comes to narcissistic abuse, the healing journey is not linear. Narcissists can have a significant impact on the way you think and the way you view yourself, so in order to heal from that, you have to untangle and deprogram all the falsities they’ve ingrained in your mind. Some days will be easier than others.” Shenella Karunaratne, Licensed Professional Counsellor

To Conclude

Narcissism is a complex phenomenon that expresses itself in different ways and is found in both men and women. Cultural and social factors influence how it manifests, and there are divergent views as to what causes it.

From an existential perspective, the existential vacuum, frustrated will to meaning and hyper-refection are some of the mechanisms proffered to explain it, at least in part.

Ultimately, recognising key characteristics of narcissistic behaviour and its emotional and psychological impact is the first step in minimising harm.

It pays to be mindful.