Navigating Life-Changing Relationship Decisions: Insights from Philosophy and Logotherapy

Life is a series of choices, some of which can be truly transformative. Among these, the decisions we make about significant relationships can have the most profound impact. Whether it's choosing a partner, deciding to end a relationship, or navigating family dynamics, these choices can shape our lives in ways we may not fully understand in the moment.

In this blog post, I will touch upon what constitutes life-changing decisions, consider the elements that should guide our relationship choices, and examine the philosophical insights and lessons from Logotherapy (a form of Psychotherapy) that can help us through these pivotal moments.

What Are Life-Changing Decisions?

Life-changing decisions often demand a strong emotional investment and have the potential to change our circumstances, challenge our identity, and shape future paths.

Other examples of life-changing decisions include selecting a career path, moving to a new location, or furthering your education. The weight of these choices comes from their potential to affect not just our own lives but also the lives of those we care about.

Making Decisions on Significant Relationships

When it comes to relationships, the stakes can feel even higher. Significant relationships—whether romantic, familial, or platonic—often require us to balance our feelings, values, and long-term ambitions.

Making decisions in these contexts can lead to uncertainty, prompting questions like: Is this person the right partner for me? Should I stay despite the challenges? How can I prioritise my needs without neglecting the needs of others?

Understanding the dynamics at play is crucial. Remember, these decisions are influenced by many different, and often competing factors including our past experiences, societal expectations, and individual aspirations.

Key Considerations

According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, about 70% of people reported that choosing their life partner significantly influenced their happiness and life satisfaction.

What is at stake, then, is clear.

So, when faced with a relationship decision, it is important to get it right. Several factors should be evaluated to ensure alignment with our values and long-term well-being:

1. Values and Compatibility: Reflect on your core values and how they align with those of your partner or the person involved. For example, if family is a central value for you, a partner who shares that priority can make for a more harmonious relationship. More specific values might include your concepts of honesty, empathy, compassion, political affiliation, spirituality, and so much more. These do not need to be identical, that would be impossible, but a broad alignment is necessary to sustain a meaningful connection.

   
   

2. Future Goals: Think about your long-term aspirations. Does this relationship support your dreams for the future? According to a study by the Pew Research Center, 67% of individuals in committed relationships report that their partners facilitate their achievement of personal goals. Such goals might include career aspirations, but might stretch beyond that into the realms of hobbies, travel, academic achievement, volunteering, or personal fitness.

   
   

3. Emotional Well-being: Assess honestly how the relationship impacts you emotionally. Does it bring contentment, or does it lead to stress and instability? Research indicates that positive relationships can boost mental health and reduce feelings of anxiety by up to 50%.

   
   

4. Communication: The quality of communication matters. Open and honest discussions can help avoid/resolve conflicts and build a solid foundation for the relationship.

   
   

5. Support Systems: Consider your support networks. Friends and family can provide valuable perspectives. Do they see value in your relationship? That may or may not be a pertinent question, depending on your worldview and family/friendship structures. This form of validation, nevertheless, is important in some cultural and religious settings.

   
   

Reflecting on these factors can help you make decisions that resonate with who you as a person with agency, values, and with an eye to a sustainable future.

Philosophical Insights

Philosophy offers valuable frameworks for understanding our decision-making, particularly regarding relationships. Let’s explore a few philosophical perspectives:

1. Existentialism: This view emphasises personal freedom and responsibility. Existentialists argue we must own our choices; how we decide reflects our true selves. In relationships, this means acknowledging the impact of our decisions on our identity and how we understand ourselves. I will expand on this when I focus on one specific application of existentialism: Logotherapy and Existential Analysis.

   
   

2. Utilitarianism: This ethical approach suggests that decisions should maximise overall well-being. In relationships, consider how choices will affect both you and your partner, with the aim of achieving a balanced outcome, however you define it. For example, you may focus on fostering mutual feelings of love, happiness, or peace.

   
   

3. Virtue Ethics: This perspective focuses on the character of the decision-maker. Cultivating virtues such as honesty and compassion can help guide us in making relationship decisions aligned with our character.

   
   

These philosophical insights can help individuals understand their motivations and the implications of their choices in relationships.

Logotherapy Insights

Logotherapy, & Existential Analysis, a form of Psychotherapy founded by Viktor Frankl, emphasises the importance of finding meaning in all the circumstances of life. Here’s how its principles, in simple terms, can guide relationship decisions:

1. Search for Meaning: Frankl believed that our primary drive is to seek meaning. In relationships, put simply that means that we pursue connections that contribute to a greater sense of purpose, bring us peace, and are self-transcendent in nature.

   
   

   We can find a deep sense of meaning in loving another person who understands our values and our way of being in the world. Also, there is meaning to be realised in a love that evolves, but it always at its core supportive, encouraging, and at times sacrificial.

   
   

   How do we know we love someone? That is perhaps the most difficult question, and I have explored it, at least to a degree, in previous blog posts. As a subject, it is most complex in some ways, yet simple in others.

   
   

   Suffice it to say that our key goal is to ensure that our concept of love aligns with that of our partners. Without that as an anchoring point, we are likely to drift.

   
   

   

   
   

2. Responsibility: A key tenet of Logotherapy is owning our choices. In relationships, understand that your decisions shape your experiences and can, if dealt with sensitively, lead to personal growth and greater insight into what matters most to you. Responsibility and accountability go hand-in-hand.

   
   

3. Freedom of Choice: Logotherapy highlights that we can always choose our responses to each situation that confronts us. This perspective empowers you to make conscious decisions, rather than feeling stuck or at the mercy of circumstances that are outwith your control. For example, you are responsible for the attitude you take towards behaviour that might cause you distress; you are not responsible for the actions of the other person.

   
   

4. Growth from Suffering: Frankl suggested that challenges can lead to growth. In healthy relationships, difficult moments can foster deeper understanding and resilience: navigating adversity together as a 'team' strengthens the partnership. Conversely, in a relationship that is unbalanced, where the needs and expectations of one partner is given more importance than the other, it can cause enormous stress and misunderstanding; unaddressed, this smothers the dynamism and spontaneity that is necessary for a partnership to prosper.

   
   

Applying Logotherapy’s insights can help you make relationship decisions with a focus on meaning, responsibility, and personal growth.

Embracing the Journey of Decision-Making

Navigating life-changing decisions, particularly when it applies to significant relationships, can be daunting. By considering your values, future goals, and emotional well-being, you can make decisions that reflect who you truly are.

Philosophical insights and the application of the principles of Logotherapy provide invaluable frameworks for understanding the complexities of these choices. The journey of making these decisions is not just about the choices themselves, but about the growth and meaning we extract from them.

As you reflect on your relationship decisions, remember that each choice offers a chance for self-discovery and transformation. Embrace the process and trust your ability to navigate these life-changing moments with clarity and intent.

And one final point, which in a sense might be the most important: try not to hyper-reflect or be too rigid in relation to the decision making process. Life is at its best when we open ourselves up to the beauty of the unexpected, therefore my pointers in this blog are offered as a guide, and a guide only.

The 13th Century Persian Poet, Rumi, in his best known poem, 'The Guest House', is a treatise in openness of how we respond to the vagaries of life and love. Imagine then, in your heart and mind, how his words apply to your relationships and what you are mindful of:

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.