Navigating Life, Love & Death: Finding Your Own Way

Much of what I do with my clients is to explore points of meaning in their lives, whether that be from lived experience (past and present), their orientation to a future goal, or a desire to challenge pertinent aspects of their worldview.

All of us construct an inner narrative against which our lives make sense and are tested. An important part of narrative building is reflected in the music we love, the books we read, the games we play, the movies we watch, and the people we admire.

Often, we do not think of these aspects of our lives in an analytical way. Much of what goes on happens in our subconscious minds. We know what we have an affinity towards, but not necessarily why; that’s where Logotherapy & Existential Analysis can help.

It is against this backdrop, that I recently remembered a Scottish Band that have been producing music for fifty years or so – Runrig – and the chorus of their song ‘Protect & Survive’:

'Once in a lifetime, you live and love

Once in a lifetime, you die

Once in a moment, the sun goes down

Protect and survive'.

Yes, we live, we love, we die. What matters though transcends that inescapable truth: it is how we live, how we love, and how we die that gives our existence its vitality and uniqueness.

And so the details of life, love, and death define how we experience the world around us, and inform the more complex contours of our inner world too.

It is worth pointing out that tension arises when those narratives are incongruent, causing much confusion. But if, and when, we do the work in therapy, our inner and outer worlds synchronise and our integrated perspectives enable us to embark upon a more meaningful and insightful journey.

In this short piece, I want to leave aside the ‘moments’ and focus instead on the once in a lifetime ‘events’ that are so incredibly poignant:

When we encounter another person who has a presence that takes our breath away, exhibiting a constellation of attributes that is unique and unforgettable.

How we express that, and reflect on it, is a personal matter. It may remain in our hearts, known only to us, or we may be drawn to connect with a creative expression of our emotions.

For me, I am brought back repeatedly to the beautiful words of Geoffrey Chaucer as written in the first verse of his poem, ‘Rondel of Merciless Beauty’:

‘Your two great eyes will slay me suddenly;

Their beauty shakes me who was once serene;

Straight through my heart the wound is quick and keen.

Only your word will heal the injury

To my hurt heart, while yet the wound is clean’.

Chaucer was an astute observer of the human condition. We may not be as erudite and linguistically accomplished as he was, but that is not the point. We know what resonates within us and reflects our inner narrative. We know what we feel and that is all we need to know.

When our children are born and we feel an intensity of love that we did not know was even possible. When the see the little person in the scan, now in our arms, there is nothing quite like it. Even if we have several children, their arrival is a once in a lifetime experience; their uniqueness is unquestionable, as is the love we have for them.

That love develops over the years and we are drawn to reflect on it when meaningful milestones are reached: graduations, marriage, or their own children, for example.  These are life defining moments, and we might appreciate the words of Maya Angelou (which could equally apply to daughters):

‘I have a son, who is my heart. A wonderful young man, daring and loving and strong and kind'.

We might have once in a lifetime opportunity to embark on a task that only we can fulfil: where our skills and passion coalesce. This might be a job that we have sought, or it may be the opportunity to be of service to the wider community, or to care for our loved ones.

We will undoubtably (if we live long enough) grieve for the loss of a loved one and have to navigate that difficult and excruciatingly painful process. Our lives will never be the same thereafter, but we may, in time, live their legacy, after all the love we had for them is not lost. It is what we do with it that counts. We might find solace and instruction from the wise words of Merrit Malloy:

I want to leave you something,

Something better

Than words

Or sounds.

Look for me

In the people I’ve known

Or loved,

And if you cannot give me away,

At least let me live in your eyes

And not on your mind.

You can love me most

By letting

Hands touch hands

By letting

Bodies touch bodies

And by letting go

Of children

That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,

People do.

So, when all that’s left of me

Is love,

Give me away”

And this indeed may prompt us to think in some detail about our own mortality and what this means for how we live our lives fully and meaningfully. It may be that we take to heart Friedrich Nietzsche's maxim: ‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how’. The certainty of our own death brings into focus the question of what it is that we live for – the ‘why’. It may be that we have a faith that gives our lives ultimate meaning, or the sacrifices we make for those we love. The ‘how’ is about the day-to-day situations we face and how we view suffering in light of the bigger picture.

Of course, the complexities of the above mean that it is not possible to bring more than a cursory light to bear on an emotionally charged topic. Consequently I plan to address this in a series of forthcoming videos and blog posts.

Suffice it to say that the once in a lifetime events are pivotal in how we develop and how our life trajectories are interpreted.  It is a worthwhile endeavour to reflect on these existential issues; what we learn is applicable in all aspects of our lives, fostering resilience and bolstering our emotional intelligence.

If you have any queries on this topic, please do get in touch. You can also book a free 30 min online session with me to explore how Logotherapy & Existential Analysis can help you in your specific circumstances.

Take care, Scott