To 'Unlove' Or Not To 'Unlove'?

Erich Fromm, in his book 'The Art of Loving', described love as much more than a passive feeling, rather it is an art that requires constant reflection, self-discipline, and effort. When those prerequisites are not in place, love dies, or perhaps more specifically, love never existed in the first place. I would contend that the latter is indeed the case.

A google search will reveal a plethora of articles on how to 'unlove' someone. It would seem that this is a question that is frequently asked. The 'how to' guides set out a step-by-step guide to reaching that goal.

As I read these insights, it evokes within me a profound sadness; love is presented as a commodity that can be bestowed and withdrawn, almost at will. It seems too easy, although in fairness, most of the articles acknowledge the emotional pain and confusion that inevitably accompanies the breakdown of a significant connection.

Most of us are familiar with the idea of 'unliking' something - a post, or a person - on social media. With the click of a button, the judgement is made. But Is that how our emotions work in the real world: a binary choice?

If we have problems with 'like' and 'unlike', then it is infinitely more complicated when we consider the meaning and weight behind 'love' and 'unlove'.

Is love even the right noun, or verb, to use? I think it is not. However, I am not sure what I would replace it with! In part, I think that our confusion (or maybe just my confusion!) stems from our differences in how we define love.

By its nature, love is ethereal. Its beauty and profundity stretches far beyond what we can easily articulate. Perhaps the best description is to be found in the New Testament, brought to life through a passage that is frequently read out loud in Marriage Ceremonies the world over. Personally, I find it to be the most meaningful and profound exposition of love that there is; the Apostle Paul wrote majestically and movingly to the Corinthian Church (1 Corinthians 13: 4-8) on what love is, and how it is lived out:

^'Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends'.

If we subscribe to this understanding of love, then to 'unlove' is simply not possible. If we have a connection with another human being that is reflective of Paul's purview, however imperfect, then it leaves an indelible mark on our soul that cannot be erased; it never ends.

In one sense, this is supremely reassuring. Yet it challenges our assumptions on who we are and how we relate to others.

The words of Erich Fromm on love as an art still echoes, reminding us that, in all our humanness, we are constantly learning.

I will attempt to address this topic in a future blog post. It will take me some time to do so, but it is worth exploring.

Love matters.