Understanding 'Flying Monkeys' in Narcissistic Relationships and How to Combat Them

Narcissistic relationships often involve complex dynamics that can leave victims feeling isolated and overwhelmed. One of the most confusing and damaging tactics narcissists use is enlisting 'flying monkeys.' These individuals act as extensions of the narcissist, carrying out manipulation and control on their behalf. Understanding who flying monkeys are, why narcissists use them, and how to protect yourself from their influence is crucial for anyone dealing with this specific manifestation of narcissistic abuse.

To aid clarity, I start this post in the third person (referring to 'the victim'), but switch to the second person ('you') for the remainder of the article. I also use the term 'narcissist' to refer to an 'individual with narcissistic traits'.

What Are Flying Monkeys in Psychology?

The term 'flying monkeys' originates from the classic story The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends her winged minions to do her bidding. In psychology, flying monkeys refer to people who support or enable a narcissist’s harmful behaviour, often without fully realising the extent of the damage they cause. These individuals may be friends, family members, co-workers, or acquaintances who become tools for the narcissist’s manipulation.

Flying monkeys often:

• Spread misinformation or rumours about the victim.

• Defend the narcissist’s actions, even when clearly wrong.

• Isolate the victim by influencing how others view them.

• Act as 'informants', reporting back to the narcissist.

  
  

They serve as a buffer, protecting the narcissist from accountability and increasing the victim’s sense of confusion; their actions can have a serious impact on the mental health and wellbeing of the victim and should therefore be taken seriously. It is a recognised form of narcissistic abuse.

Narcissism and Flying Monkeys

Narcissists crave control and admiration. They often lack true empathy and have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement. To maintain their image and influence, they manipulate others, including enlisting flying monkeys and other enablers in an attempt to maintain their false persona.

At this point it is worth elucidating the common traits of that false persona. Essentially, it is a façade built on a fragile sense of self-importance, masking a deep-seated need for attention and adoration. Narcissists often claim to be empathic, but this too is a superficial and misleading. In essence, they project an image of superiority and success to hide insecurity and self-doubt, exploiting others to maintain and promulgate this image and receive validation.

This personality is not genuine; rather, it is a manipulative and unstable construct that serves to protect a very vulnerable ego. It is not unusual for the narcissist to accuse others of narcissism, and this is a further manifestation of their abusive tactics. Over time it becomes obvious that what they accuse you of has nothing to do with you; it is a confession of their own thoughts and motivations, although they will likely not be completely conscious of this.

As a Logotherapist and Existential Analyst, I view narcissism as a profound spiritual and existential crisis rooted in the failure to find genuine meaning in life. In an unconscious attempt to fill that existential vacuum, a person with narcissistic traits adopts a skewed motivational structure in an attempt to resolve their fear of insignificance. That personal myth system shields them from confronting, and processing, deeply seated feelings of shame, guilt and inadequacy.

But back to flying monkeys. The narcissists projection of the false self and superficial charm lends itself to the recruitment of others in pursuit of their aims. These include:

• Unwitting participants who believe the narcissist’s version of events.

• Loyal followers who admire or fear the narcissist.

• People seeking favour or rewards from the narcissist.

• Individuals with their own vulnerabilities that the narcissist exploits.

  
  

The narcissist uses flying monkeys to create a network of dysfunctional support that reinforces their worldview and does not challenge it in a meaningful way. This behaviour is often complex.

Why Do Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys?

Think of it this way: narcissists utilise flying monkeys in order to multiply their influence without direct involvement. This strategy offers several advantages:

• Distance from conflict: The narcissist avoids direct confrontation or blame by sending others to do their bidding..

• Amplified manipulation: Flying monkeys spread the narcissist’s narrative, making it seem more credible and persuasive.

• Isolation of the victim: By turning others against the victim, the narcissist cuts off or limits support systems.

• Reinforcement of control: The victim feels trapped and powerless when surrounded by flying monkeys.

  
  

For example, a narcissist might convince a mutual friend to confront the victim with erroneous accusations. The victim then faces not only the narcissist’s abuse but also the flying monkey’s attacks, significantly increasing their emotional distress.

Or there may be a work situation, based on a legitimate dispute, where the victim's reputation is sullied; such a scenario can have significant ramifications in the victim's professional life, stifling their career. Such a scenario can reverberate for many years post the 'active' phase of that conflict.

How to Combat Flying Monkeys

Dealing with flying monkeys requires a clear strategy focused on protecting yourself and minimalising their influence on your wellbeing.

1. Recognise the Pattern

Understanding the role flying monkeys play can help you to avoid them and to limit their impact. Notice if people around you suddenly turn hostile, stop communicating with you or spread rumours with little or no basis in fact. You may eventually find out from other people what has been happening and this can be deeply upsetting.

At this juncture, it is important to recognise that their behaviour may be driven, or greatly affected by the narcissist’s manipulation rather than your actions, or the interpretation of those actions thereof.

Again, it may be that you have already seen how the narcissist has dealt with other people in the context of an interpersonal conflict (or perceived conflict); that this behaviour is now directed towards you is therefore part of a pattern as previously outlined.

2. Set Boundaries

Limit contact with flying monkeys whenever possible. This might mean:

• Reducing and restricting communication with mutual acquaintances who support the narcissist.

• Strictly avoiding or shutting down discussions about the narcissist with these individuals; do not criticise them or proffer any opinion about them.

• Politely but firmly refusing to engage in any form of gossip or negative conversations.

• Restrict your social media presence and block emails and all other forms of direct communication (from the narcissist and those associated with them).

  
  

Clear boundaries function in two ways: they protect your emotional energy and reduce opportunities for manipulation and further conflict. The exact nature of your boundaries will be a reflection of the relationship you have with the narcissist. For example, if they are an ex-partner you co-parent with, or you share a workplace with, your options may be relatively limited. Whatever the case, only sharing necessary factual information and avoiding all emotionally charged communication is key.

3. Build a Support Network

Seek out trustworthy friends, family, or professionals who understand this aspect of narcissistic behaviour and its deleterious effects. A strong support system can counteract the isolation flying monkeys create; it may include peer support groups, engaging with a Psychotherapist who specialises in treating trauma, or connecting with people who validate your experience and know your values and personal attributes.

Given that flying monkeys often spread misleading or decontextualised information, remind yourself of what you have experienced/are experiencing, and stay grounded and confident in your reality. This is not easy, so be compassionate with yourself.

4. Avoid Retaliation

Although a natural response, responding to flying monkeys with anger or aggression only escalates the situation. Instead, focus on calm, measured responses, as previously articulated, if indeed this is possible. Ideally, disengaging entirely and adopting a strict 'no contact' rule is the most effective approach.

Remember that narcissists and their flying monkeys thrive on drama, attention and emotional manipulation. In this respect, your goal should simply be to avoid adding further fuel to the fire in any way that you can. Refocus each and every time you experience a setback or are triggered by an event or memory.

5. Educate Yourself

Learning the basics about narcissistic behaviour and manipulation tactics empowers you to recognise and resist flying monkeys. Knowledge reduces fear and confusion, helping you to understand your situation better and make informed decisions as to how to move forward.

As always, the best place to start is with the experts. For example, Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a Psychologist who specialises in narcissism, and her youtube videos are an excellent and readily accessible resource. This one is on flying monkeys and is particularly instructive:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEH23q1r-4Q

Other reliable online resources include the Verywell Mind website which contains articles that are medically reviewed and regularly updated. An excellent example can be found here: https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissists-and-flying-monkeys.

Psychology Today has a plethora of articles on narcissism and flying monkeys. A good place to start is: 3 Tips to Protect Yourself From a Narcissist's "Flying Monkeys" | Psychology Today United Kingdom.

6. Consider Professional Help

If flying monkeys are causing significant and ongoing distress and interfering with your life, seek help from a suitable mental health professional. Psychotherapy provides a safe space for you to explore and process your emotions, and with a view to re-establishing your equilibrium and rebuilding your confidence and sense of self.

The underlying principle of recovery is that you reassert the notion that you are responsible for defining yourself in every respect. The narcissist and their flying monkeys will endeavour to reshape that contours of your identity, but remember: others will always have opinions about you and your character, but at the end of the day, it is your choice whether or not you listen to them.

Part of the recovery process is letting go of the illusory notion that you can influence what others think, particularly the narcissist and their flying monkeys. If you struggle to let go in this respect, then let it be what it is and resolve to move beyond it. The good news is that the catharsis you desire is not contingent on the opinions or actions of others.

Final Thoughts

Flying monkeys can cause emotional, psychological, and spiritual trauma that can erode your self-worth and leave you in a perpetual state of anxiety, fear and depression. They can be a significant contributing factor to victim isolation, impacting negatively on the whole gamut of professional and personal relationships.

That their effect can be felt beyond the immediate experience is another reminder that narcissistic abuse, in all its forms, should always be taken seriously.

By educating yourself about narcissistic behaviour in general, and the role of flying monkeys specifically, you can better understand the context of your experience.

Steps can then be taken and strategies put in place to reduce its impact, and to assist you in rebuilding your life in a meaningful way.

One final thought: in retrospect, you may view the whole experience as a learning opportunity, albeit one that you most definitely did not seek. It may have enabled you to be clear as to what constitutes a 'red flag', or series of 'red flags' with respect to narcissistic abuse and the role of flying monkeys. It might also have facilitated a realignment of your concept of self, your values, and your expectations of people.

As Rahm Emanuel said, 'You never want a serious crisis to go to waste. And what I mean by that is an opportunity to do things that you think you could not do before'.

Note: this article is for information purposes only. It is NOT to be used for diagnostic purposes. Always consult a mental health professional, or your GP in the first instance, if you are concerned about your wellbeing.