Gaslighting & Narcissistic Abuse

Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that can leave deep scars on a person's sense of reality, self-worth and confidence. It often happens gradually, making it hard to recognise until much of the damage is done. But it can also occur over a relatively short period of time - weeks and months - depending on the context.

Understanding what gaslighting involves and how it affects emotions is essential for anyone who wants to protect themselves or support others facing this challenge.

What Constitutes Gaslighting?

Gaslighting occurs when someone deliberately distorts facts, denies reality, or manipulates information to make another person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or feelings. This behaviour occurs in 'toxic' relationships, whether they be personal, professional, or social.

“Manipulative people are those who wish to be loved on their own terms.” David S. Viscott

Examples of gaslighting include:

• Denying events that actually happened, even when there is evidence.

• Telling someone they are "too sensitive" or "overreacting" when they express concerns.

• Twisting conversations to make the other person feel confused or guilty.

• Blaming the victim for problems caused by the gas-lighter.

• Gossiping and projecting an unfair or misleading narrative that overwhelms the victim.

  
  

This manipulation aims to gain control and power by undermining the victim’s confidence in their own mind, values, and motivations. It almost always involves more than one person and is characterised by:

• Mobbing: a form of collective bullying where a group of individuals misrepresent, isolate, or target an individual to achieve a specific aim), and

• Triangulation: a manipulative tactic where one person (the manipulator) brings a third party - such as a friend, family member, colleague or ex - into a conflict to avoid direct communication, maintain control, or create division. It is a behaviour employed to validate the manipulator and make the victim feel threatened and isolated.

Those recruited into mobbing, triangulation, or other similar behaviours, are not always aware they are being manipulated as this is often a pattern that has been built up over a significant period of time.

Likewise, a gas-lighter will almost always have a hinterland of similar interactions with other individuals; it is rarely a 'one off' event.

"Gas-lighters are most successful when they believably cast themselves as loyal and dutiful protectorates who are unconditionally invested in defending and caring for their beloved gaslit victims.” Ross Rosenber.

How You Feel When Being Gaslighted

The emotional impact of gaslighting can be intense and deeply upsetting. People often report feeling:

• Confused about what is true or real.

• Anxious and constantly second-guessing themselves.

• Isolated because they may feel others will not believe their experience due to blame reversal and other related behaviours (more of which in a forthcoming blog post).

• Insecure about their own judgement, decision-making, and who they can and cannot trust.

• Depressed, hopeless, or even suicidal as self-esteem, self-confidence and identity erodes precipitously.

  
  

The impact of gaslighting frequently results in a trauma response and that is why it must always be taken seriously, and like all forms of trauma, the earlier it is recognised and treated the more favourable the outcome.

Recognizing the Signs and Protecting Yourself

Awareness is the first step to breaking free from gaslighting. Here are some practical tips:

• Trust your intuition: If something feels wrong, or makes you feel uneasy, take a step back and disengage.

• Keep a journal: If appropriate, document conversations/communications and events to validate your experience. A journal can also help you to express your emotions.

• Seek outside perspectives: Talk to trusted friends or professionals who can offer objective views.

• Set boundaries: Restrict interactions with people who consistently make you doubt yourself; trying to convey your reality to a gas-lighter rarely works therefore consider disengaging from them completely if that is indeed possible.

• Consider professional help: Psychotherapy can be a positive and meaningful approach to process painful emotions, rebuild confidence and re-affirming identity/values/perspectives.

  
  

Moving Forward After Gaslighting

Recovering from gaslighting and other forms of narcissistic abuse takes time. Surrounding yourself with supportive people who know you and respect your reality, is vital. Practicing self-compassion and reminding yourself that your perceptions are valid are also key going forward.

Healing also involves learning to recognise manipulative behaviours early and standing firm against them. Not only does this strengthen your emotional resilience it also helps prevent future harm.