When to Reach Out?

Knowing whether to reach out to someone can feel like walking a tightrope. You may very much want to connect in whatever way, and for whatever reason, but you also worry about crossing boundaries or imposing.

Our personality styles impact significantly on how we evaluate such circumstances. One of the prime issues is that of vulnerability: some are comfortable in that space, yet others find it threatening and frightening.

To be vulnerable, and to reach out, demands that we are willing to expose ourselves to rejection, anger, silence, and the intense and unpleasant emotions that accompany those responses.

For some people, this is a risk worth taking; for others it is a step too far.

Here our motivations matter. The question that arises is 'what do we want to achieve by this act'? Is it to convey contrition and regret, or is it to re-establish a meaningful connection?

So what should we do? Our motivations do not exist in a vacuum and our choices have the potential to hurt other people.

We can think of it this way: in Logotherapy & Existential Analysis, we focus on individual freedom and responsibility, where every choice shapes our existence, both in the present moment and in the future.

When we are contemplating reaching out, whatever the circumstances, it is vital that we reflect on what that freedom to act means: in other words, what are the choices available to us, and what might the outcomes of those choices be?

The aspect of responsibility relates to ourselves, but we also have a responsibility to the other person. It may well be that, in the final analysis, we conclude that although we may desperately want to reach out, the other person's wellbeing is paramount, and that this is the overarching narrative that drives our decision making.

We talk often in Logotherapy & Existential Analysis about love and how it is moulded by sacrificial living. Love, then, is not viewed as a selfish act, but one of occasional and necessary sacrifice, not as an end in itself, but as a way of being.

In this worldview, our decision to bypass our own specific wants and desires reflects a very definite choice, and one that is a manifestation of our individual 'responsibleness'. We can frame that reality in a number of different ways, but it is helpful to think of sacrifice as a response that aligns with our system of values and sense of self.

To understand the nature of the connection between the one who is contemplating reaching out and the individual they wish to reach out to is vital. The dynamics of that connection matter: it may be nascent, moribund, active, or shattered.

The existential philosopher Martin Buber emphasises the 'I-Thou' relationship, encouraging us to see others as whole beings, not objects that will always see the world as we do. So when we consider reaching out, we must be sure that our purpose is genuine, meaningful, and compassionate.

Another philosophical idea comes from Aristotle’s notion of P'hilia', or friendship based on mutual goodwill and virtue. He posits, quite intuitively, that true connections grow from shared values and respect.

Thus, if our intention to reach out is rooted in our desire to 'do the right thing', such as a desire to convey a specific message, or to rebuild a meaningful connection, it can be a positive act.

However, yet again we come back to the primacy of the other person and our duty to honour their wishes at all times.

Finally, we must always be cognisant of the fact that human frailty means that, although our thoughts and intentions may align with our values, our actions may not.

That is always a risk.

'There are three principles in our being and life: the principle of thought, the principle of speech, and the principle of action. The origin of all conflict between me and my fellow-men is that I do not say what I mean and I don't do what I say.' Martin Buber

For example, we may, in the heat of the moment, say hurtful things or demonstrate arrogance and a lack of humility. If that is likely, then it may well alter the balance between reaching out and remaining silent.

The responsibility to get that and other decisions right, is our responsibility, and ours alone.