Letters To My Sons

As a therapist I work with young men who are finding their way in a world that has often competing expectations of who and what they should be. Many struggle with issues of identity and what it means to be a man, and crucially, how that masculinity is lived out in practice.

The idea of love as a way of being in the world is often viewed as the sole prerogative of the feminine. Yet love, in its purest form, is a universal phenomenon that underpins all of our relationships, including the relationship we have with ourselves. To love another is almost easier than it is to love ourselves.

And so I see those tensions play out in the therapy room. As a result I started to write a series of short letters to my sons, recognising that their journey has much commonality with that of their peers.

The messages, which are reflective in nature but with a practical application, are proffered as a series of thoughts that I would have found useful in my earlier years. In that respect I am mindful of the Danish Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard's wonderfully simple maxim that: 'life is lived forward, but understood backwards'.

We know that we must constantly make decisions and move through life without the certainty of a specific outcome, but we only gain wisdom and understanding of our choices and experiences with the benefit of hindsight.

These letters are an outworking of that reality. Whether they are useful or not is for others to decide.

I have drawn quiet inspiration from Rainer Maria Rilke's 'Letters to a Young Poet'', particularly the beauty of these words: "be patient towards all that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves," for gradually, "you will live into the answers."

Leaving the content aside, I hand write each letter in purple ink; the process of putting pen to paper is a therapeutic endeavour on my part, and the colour is meaningful for a number of reasons. I have reproduced four of those letters here - typed in order to aid clarity as my hand writing is not always easy to decipher!

I hope that they are useful.

LETTER ONE

My Dear Sons,

Accept rejection and failure as and when it comes. It will visit you often, and when it does, do not fight against it; it will teach you much about yourself.

Remember that, regardless of your circumstances, you are loved, just as you are. Good people will honour the beauty of your presence. Be confident.

Wherever you go and whatever you do, you remain in my heart always,

Dad x

LETTER TWO

My Dear Sons,

There will be times in your lives when you must apologise for your attitude, behaviour, or for the hurtful words you use that wound others.

When you do apologise, do so with all of your heart and intention. Be aware that pride may get in the way: move past it and do what you know to be right.

Pass the love that resides within you on to others, even when you are hurting.

Love,

Dad x

LETTER THREE

My Dear Sons,

You were made as unique individuals, not a replica of your parents or a reflection of the community you grew up in; draw on that uniqueness in all that you do.

Try not to worry too much about what others think you should do with your life; it will invariably constrain you.

Be bold and open to new experiences, but always do it with love and compassion as your guide.

If you can do that, and only that, you will be a success.

Love is the lens through which life has value and meaning. That is why a Father's love is endless.

Dad x

LETTER FOUR

My Dear Sons,

As I write this, the sun is rising marking the start of another beautiful winter's day.

It is a reminder that the darkness of night has ended and a fresh beginning awaits us. Each day provides new opportunities to find purpose and to do things differently: to apply what we have learned in a meaningful way.

Each day brings with it a sense of hope, but we have to work hard to continually reflect on what is important to us and is in tune with our values.

To let go of what no longer serves our best interests is often painfully difficult, but it is necessary nonetheless. To make positive change is always within your grasp; remember that in times when you doubt yourself and your judgement.

Try not to be afraid of making mistakes; you are, like every other person, gloriously imperfect. Embrace that vulnerability as a part of who you are. It will ground you and be a source of great strength as you move forward in life.

Love always,

Dad x