Pushing People Away: Why We Do It?

In our intricate social lives, relationships can bring both joy and sorrow. While many yearn for connection and closeness, some individuals instinctively push others away. This behaviour can be perplexing and emotionally painful, not just to those affected, but also to the individuals themselves.

Understanding why, and being compassionate towards people who are trapped in this cycle of behaviour, can provide insight into the underlying issues and ultimately foster healthier relationships.

The Nature of Pushing People Away

Pushing people away often appears as emotional withdrawal or avoidance. It is destructive, stemming from various psychological factors, such as fear of intimacy, past trauma, or low self-esteem.

When faced with the prospect of vulnerability, some individuals may feel overwhelmed and unsure how to cope, leading them to create distance from others. For example, studies indicate that up to 40% of individuals in relationships fear intimacy to various degrees, affecting their ability to connect at a deep level.

Fear of Intimacy

Fear of intimacy is a leading cause of this cycle or way of 'being in the world'. It can emerge from past experiences where vulnerability resulted in hurt or betrayal. For instance, a person who experienced a painful breakup in the past may develop habits to keep future or potential partners at a distance. This protective instinct may prevent them from forming genuine connections and lead to feelings of loneliness; surveys have shown that a majority of people with intimacy fears report heightened levels of isolation.

Past Trauma and Attachment Styles

Past trauma has a significant impact on one's attachment style, which shapes how individuals relate to others throughout their lives. Those with an avoidant attachment style often struggle with closeness and may push people away to maintain control. They may have learned early on that relying on others can lead to disappointment and rejection.

For example, research indicates that about 25% of individuals exhibit an avoidant attachment style, prioritising self-reliance over connection, which can hinder their relationships and contribute to emotional distance.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is another factor that may lead to pushing people away. Individuals who struggle with feelings of unworthiness might recoil from potential relationships to avoid rejection. This behaviour creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the efforts to avert rejection lead to the very isolation they dread. According to studies, nearly 30% of people with low self-esteem report pushing away friends and family, further solidifying their sense of loneliness

A Bit More About Self-Sabotage

At the centre of all of these seemingly counter-intuitive behavioural patterns, as elucidated above is 'self-sabotage'. Self-sabotaging behaviour 'refers to intentional action (or inaction) that undermines people's progress and prevents them from accomplishing their goals. Self-sabotage occurs when people hinder their own success' (Source: https://www.verywellmind.com/why-people-self-sabotage-and-how-to-stop-it-5207635)

Although there are, as per the definition above, aspects of self-sabotage that function at the conscious level (that is, we are aware of them), there can be a subconscious or unconscious aspect to it also.

Examples in Literature and Film

Literature and film offer powerful portrayals of the theme of pushing people away.

Literature

In F. Scott Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby," Jay Gatsby represents the conflict between desire and fear. His extravagant parties serve as a facade, concealing a profound loneliness and longing for Daisy Buchanan. Gatsby's failure to confront his emotions ultimately results in his tragic end, emphasising the severe consequences of alienating those we care about.

Film

Similarly, the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" depicts Joel and Clementine's relationship, characterised by both deep connections and painful retreats. Joel's choice to erase his memories of Clementine highlights his fear of vulnerability, demonstrating how the urge to protect oneself can lead to losing valuable relationships.

Understanding the Cycle of Pushing Away

Recognising the cycle of pushing people away is vital for breaking free from it. First, individuals must acknowledge their fears and insecurities; this can be a challenging task for anyone. Self-awareness, often facilitated by therapy or self-reflection, offers tools to comprehend these patterns and develop healthier coping strategies.

The Role of Communication

Effective communication plays a crucial role in addressing this tendency. Discussing fears and insecurities openly with trusted friends or partners can create a supportive environment that fosters understanding. By sharing vulnerabilities, individuals can cultivate safer spaces for connection, ultimately diminishing the urge to withdraw.

Building Healthy Relationships

Building healthier relationships requires a focus on self-acceptance and self-love. Engaging in activities that boost self-esteem can help individuals feel secure in their worth. As self-esteem rises, the fear of intimacy often lessens, making it easier to form meaningful connections with others.

Seeking Professional Help

For those grappling with the psychological reasons for pushing people away, professional help can be a positive and transformative step. Therapists can guide individuals in exploring past traumas, understanding their attachment styles, and developing healthier relational habits. Therapy creates a safe space to practice vulnerability, ultimately fostering trust and connection.

Finally....

Hopefully this short blog post serves as a reminder that the cycle of self-sabotage - pushing people away and subsequent isolation - can be broken. In that respect there is much hope. Through self-reflection, open communication, and professional support, it is possible to move beyond the instinctual drive to push others away, thus building sustainable relationships.

I shall explore the practical steps that can be taken in more detail in my next blog post, In the meantime, If therapy is something you are considering, there are a multitude of different evidence-based therapeutic approaches available. You also have the choice of online and in-person options.

As always I am happy to help you make that choice, so please do reach out, either via the 'Contact Me' form our directly via email at scottpeddie@sky.com.