They Listen, But Are You Being Heard?

When someone talks to us, we often say we are listening. But is listening enough? Many people confuse being listened to with being heard. These two experiences feel very different, yet they are often used interchangeably. Understanding the difference can improve communication, deepen relationships, and help us feel more connected. This post explores what sets being listened to apart from being heard and why it matters.

What Does It Mean to Be Listened To?

Listening is the act of paying attention to sounds or words. When you listen, you focus on what someone says; it is a basic skill we use every day and do not often think much about.

However, listening can sometimes be passive. You might hear the words but not fully engage with the speaker’s feelings or intentions. This is why listening alone does not guarantee understanding.

What Does It Mean to Be Heard?

Being heard goes beyond just listening. It means the listener truly understands and acknowledges what the speaker is expressing. When you feel heard, you sense that your thoughts and emotions are understood. The listener not only processes your words but also connects with your 'essence' - they appreciate the person you are and what matters most to you.

“Having someone who listens is a great gift, but to be truly heard is a treasure.” Tatjana Urbic

Being heard involves paying close attention to both words and emotions, picking up on what is not being said as much as what is, showing empathy and validation, and responding meaningfully to what is shared.

Key Differences Between Being Listened To and Being Heard

The key differences between the two modes of communication is often nuanced yet significant. We can think of it in terms of 'aspect', where the level of attention, engagement, emotional connection, response, and impact on speaker, differs. It might be helpful to think of it this way:

Why Being Heard Matters More

People crave connection and understanding. When we are heard, it builds trust and strengthens relationships. It reduces feelings of loneliness and frustration. Studies show that feeling heard can improve mental health and reduce stress.

In personal relationships, being heard fosters intimacy and reduces conflicts. Simply put, being heard makes inter-personal communication meaningful and is an important facet of feeling loved.

"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable." David W. Augsburger

How to Move From Listening to Hearing

Although I would contend that 'hearing' is almost instinctual, that is, for some people it comes naturally, there are some steps we can all take to help us hear others better. These include the following:

It is worth bearing in mind also that there are multiple factors can prevent people from feeling heard. These can be part of a cycle of challenges that take away from the experiential component of being understood, validated and valued. We cam conceptualise this in the following way:

Awareness of these barriers helps us to address them effectively, with the aim of moving beyond passive listening to active hearing.

The Role of Empathy in Being Heard

Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person’s feelings. It plays a crucial role in being heard. When we listen with empathy, we connect on a deeper level. This connection helps the speaker feel safe and valued.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” Henri Nouwen

In the simplest of terms, empathy involves putting yourself in the speaker’s shoes, recognizing emotions behind words, responding with kindness and care, and being fully present. Practicing empathy can transform conversations and build stronger bonds.

Tips for Creating a Space Where People Feel Heard

There are some basic ways to create a space where others are encouraged to open up and to feel heard as a result of doing so. Again, for some people they are largely instinctual, but it is always a good thing for all of us to reflect on how we can become better 'hearers'. This might include:

• Give your full attention without interruptions.

• Use open body language and eye contact.

• Encourage sharing by asking open-ended questions.

• Avoid judging or dismissing feelings.

• Summarize what you heard to show understanding.

• Be patient and be comfortable with silence when it is appropriate

  
  

These actions show genuine respect and care, and as such should not be 'forced'. Creating space is as much an art as it is a science, and we learn through experience and ongoing reflection.

And Finally.....

The difference between simply listening and hearing is significant. To hear another person is to recognise their importance, to be fully engaged with their understanding of the world, and to connect with them at a level beyond the superficial.

To listen is easy.

To hear is sacred.

That is why it is so special.